The Animal I Have Become
by goldengirl2707
Summary: Bella remembers her childhood companion Paul Lahote as her best friend, the boy that made mud pies with her. But what would the pack's most notorious wolf have done differently to keep Bella from becoming a Cullen? Follows canon events, replaces Jake as the BFF. AU, Rated M: Paul/Bella
1. Fixin'

_Wow. I haven't written anything much... in a year? *sigh*_

_I found myself wondering one night... If Paul had been in Jake's position, would Bella Swan have become Bella Cullen? What would the aggressive wolf have done to change her mind?_

_This is my first real attempt at a drabble style fic. I'm trying to go simple... I tried the over-complicated thing and look where it got me... 3 unfinished WIP's! I have about 8 chapters written, so I'm ahead of the game here!_

_Chapters will be fairly short, but will be posted every Monday._

_In this chapter (and in others), you'll see chunks of text that are familiar - There are passages lifted from the original saga. I did that to keep a "canon" sort of feeling._

_Kudos to my internet wifey, littlefurrycannibals. Everyone should join her fics and give her lots of fuzzy warm spectacular reviews. So go. NOW! :-D_

_Much love to my twi-pervy soulmate, PMU (you can thank you for the awesomesauce manip banner)._

_And thanks to Twi_Maggs and Call Me Mrs. Meraz for pre-reading!_

_BTW - the lyrics here are from my friend's band. They just finished a tour with Young the Giant through MTV, and were on David Letterman on the 20th. Their next tour will be with Fun._

_Blah, blah, blah - I don't own this. If I did, I sure as hell wouldn't have put Bella with Edward._

* * *

"I saw, a glimpse, a shimmer, a shadow

Of something, I had once but since lost

And now I, I've got a feeling that I'm not complete anymore

Don't even tell me where, we are going

Hands over my eyes, hands over my eyes

Don't even tell me where, we are going

Just walk, just walk, by my side…"

Fixin' by Walk the Moon

* * *

"I found a good car for you, really cheap."

Bella blinked. Wait, what?

Charlie hadn't said much since they had climbed into the cruiser at the airport. The silence had been awkward, but she hadn't been able to think of anything to say. It had been easier to pretend she was too engrossed in the scenery to hold a conversation. He didn't need to know she was chewing on the inside of her cheek to keep from crying.

She missed Phoenix already.

"What kind of car?"

"Well, it's a truck actually, a Chevy," Charlie replied.

She stared at him. Did he really think she knew what that meant? "Where did you find it?"

"Do you remember Billy Black down in La Push?"

She felt lost. Had their conversations always been completely confusing?

"No." She didn't, really. It had been years since she'd been in Forks. Just thinking about how long it had been made those nasty guilty feelings appear again.

"He used to go fishing with us during the summer," Charlie prompted, looking over at her expectantly.

Nope. Still nothing. She raised an eyebrow at him.

"Remember? Noah Lahote and Harry Clearwater came with us."

She could only vaguely recall her father's best friends. She was almost ashamed how little she remembered about her times in Forks. She'd often felt awkward around her father and his friends, so she would plead with Charlie to let her stay home and read instead of going out. Unfortunately, the less time she spent with him, the more awkward she felt. It became a vicious cycle, and her mother had never pushed the issue. She had been too busy taking yoga, bird-watching, or crystal reading to pay much attention to whether or not Bella spent time with her father.

The sound of a throat clearing startled her. "Anyway, Billy's in a wheelchair now," Charlie explained. "So, since he can't drive anymore, and he offered to sell me his truck cheap."

Cheap, huh? Bella rolled her eyes. To Charlie, cheap was synonymous with old. "What year is it?" He at least had the grace to blush. Like father, like daughter, she supposed.

"Well, Billy's done a lot of work on the engine – it's only a few years old, really." He was avoiding answering her.

"Uh-huh," She replied doubtfully. As much as Bella loved her father, she'd always known that he'd kept a tight grip on his wallet. "When did he buy it?"

"He bought it in 1984, I think."

"Did he buy it new?"

"Well, no. I think it was new in the early sixties – or late fifties at the earliest," he admitted sheepishly.

"Ch – Dad, I don't really know anything about cars. I wouldn't be able to fix it if anything went wrong, and I couldn't afford a mechanic…" She blustered, feeling rather uncomfortable with the whole thing. She worried he had done it to butter her up, buy her love, that sort of thing.

"Really, Bella, the thing runs great. They don't build them like that anymore!" He sounded so eager to please her that she couldn't bear to hurt his feelings by being disappointed. He'd obviously gone to a lot of effort to find a vehicle for her.

"How cheap is cheap?" She had a little money in her college fund, but not much.

"Well, honey, I kind of already bought it for you. As a home-coming gift." Charlie peeked sideways at her with a hopeful expression.

Wow. Free.

"You didn't need to do that, Dad. I was going to buy myself a car." More nagging guilty feelings rose. She nibbled at a finger nail and pushing the thoughts down.

Ignorance was bliss.

"I don't mind. I want you to be happy here." He seemed pleased with himself.

"That's really nice, Dad. Thanks. I really appreciate it." She didn't bother to mention that she would probably never be happy here.

"Well, now, you're welcome," he mumbled, now looking embarrassed.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Bella fidgeted with her sleeves. "So… Billy fixed it up?"

Charlie shrugged. "Actually, his son Jacob did most of the work. But when Paul mentioned that they were looking for a buyer, I immediately thought of you. Now you can drive yourself to school and to the store…" She coughed suddenly, realizing Charlie was hoping she'd cook for him. "Or wherever else you want to go," he added hastily, as if realizing how presumptuous he sounded.

"Yeah, Dad, definitely," she replied. There was more sleeve fidgeting while Bella considered his words. "Wait, you still talk to Paul?"

He glanced over at her. "Of course I do." There was a pause. "You don't?"

Bella shook her head slowly, feeling awkward. She hadn't meant to lose touch with him, but….

"Huh." Charlie shrugged. "Well, he's dropping off the truck later, so I guess you'll have some time to catch up, won't you?"

Bella nodded. She wasn't quite sure how she felt about that. Paul had always been… well, Paul; The boy who made mud pies with her and chased her on the beach with stinky seaweed. She vaguely remembered a tan skinned, dark haired, scrawny boy with bright eyes and a cautious smile.

"Yeah…" she finally replied. She tried to smile, but the knots in her stomach told her that it wouldn't be as easy as it sounded. "Catch up. That will be nice. Hopefully Paul has outgrown his propensity for dirt flinging and teasing."

Charlie laughed. "He's still a trouble maker; he certainly didn't grow out of that!"

"Awesome," Bella sighed, rolling her eyes. That was just what she needed; some boy complicating her life.

Turning her gaze out the window, Bella watched the green scenery pass by. It was beautiful, of course; she couldn't deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered with moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves.

She hit the button for the automatic window. Bella took a deep breath of the cool, moist air. In Phoenix, her nose could only detect the aroma of dry sand and red clay. But Forks? She inhaled, breathing in the scent of the forest, of the damp earth, of leaf litter.

Forks smelled _wild._

* * *

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	2. I'll Be Seeing You

_Again, you'll see chunks of text from the 1st Twi book. It's not mine, but you knew that already._

_Thank you for the follows, favs and reviews._

_However, 45 follows and only 13 reviews? Seems a little off kilter here. If you're reading, just a line or two is appreciated._

* * *

I'll find you in the morning sun

And when the night is new

I'll be looking at the moon

But I'll be seeing you

I'll Be Seeing You by Michael Buble

* * *

It took only one trip to get all her stuff upstairs. Her bedroom faced west, out over the front yard. The room was familiar; it had looked the same since she was born. The wooden floor, the light blue walls, the peaked ceiling, the yellowed lace curtains around the window – these were all a part of her childhood. The only changes Charlie had ever made were switching the crib for a bed and adding a desk. The desk now held a second-hand computer, with the phone line for the modem stapled along the floor to the nearest phone jack. It was something her mother had insisted upon so that they could stay in touch easily. She stared at the rocking chair that sat alone in the corner. It looked odd there, all by itself, but she didn't feel like moving it.

Maybe another day. Who was going to sit in an old rocking chair, anyway?

Bella turned in a small circle, looking out into the hallway. It was depressing to realize that there was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which meant she would have to share with Charlie. She tried not to think about the glorious bathroom she'd had all to herself in Phoenix.

She sighed. At least he'd left her alone to unpack; it meant she didn't need to hide her unhappiness as she stared out the window into the rain. She would save the real crying jag for bedtime, when it was time to think about her new school the next day.

Bella's quiet moment of self-pity was interrupted by the rumble of an engine outside, just below her window. Peeking through the glass, she noticed a tall, tan boy with long dark hair step out. She watched as he hugged Charlie, and the two began an animated conversation while the boy pointed to various things on the vehicle.

It was a faded red color, with big, rounded fenders and a bulbous cab. She wondered if that was the truck Charlie had told her about. Surprisingly, she fell instantly in love with it. She didn't know how well it would run, but she could see herself in it. Plus, it was one of those solid iron affairs that never got damaged – the kind seen at the scene of an accident, paint unscratched, surrounded by the pieces of the foreign car it had destroyed.

As if he knew she was watching, Charlie looked up towards her window, waving at her to come down. The boy looked up too, and she was surprised by the intensity of his dark eyes.

Bella blinked.

Was _that_ Paul Lahote?

He'd grown up since she had last seen him.

He'd grown up _a lot_.

Charlie waved again and she realized she'd been staring. With a blush, she tugged on a light weight jacket and headed down the stairs.

She was engulfed in a pair of thick arms as soon as she stepped out of the house. With a grunt, she found her feet lifted from the ground. "Hey!" She huffed out, wiggling.

"Oh, sorry, Bella," chuckled a soft, deep voice.

She looked up and found herself face to face with the 16 year old face of her childhood best friend. "Hi, Paul."

He smiled. "You remember me?"

"How could I forget the boy that played in the dirt and taunted me with bugs?" she scoffed, feeling her cheeks turn warm under his gaze.

One large finger reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. His skin felt warm. "I didn't forget you either."

Charlie cleared his throat from the driveway.

Bella jumped and blushed again.

"Come on, Bella! I asked Paul to come over and show you the truck. I really hope you like it!" He called, his expression anxious.

"Sure, dad," she called back, stepping around Paul, who still hadn't moved. She felt his eyes on her back.

She climbed into the truck cab and got comfortable in the driver's seat. The passenger door creaked open, and Bella felt the truck rock as his weight settled. "So, this is a double clutch. She won't go fast, but be gentle with her and she'll last you forever."

Bella gently pumped the clutch, experimenting with the feel of the gears. "So, you want a ride to school tomorrow?"

Paul chuckled. "Sorry, babe; I go to school on the reservation."

"Oh," she sighed, surprised by how disappointed she felt by the news. "I was hoping to know at least one friendly face tomorrow."

"Nervous?"

She felt his eyes on her again, but refused to look over at him. "I guess. It's not easy being the new girl."

"You're not new to me," he replied, quietly.

Bella nodded slowly, unsure how to respond. She stared at the steering wheel. Paul was silent. Finally, she said, "So… how are you?"

"Better. At least, now I am."

She looked at him, and his gaze was dark, thoughtful. Her eyes wandered over his full lips, high cheekbones, and soft, thick hair. She would have never guessed that the scrawny, ornery boy from her childhood would turn into a teenager that looked like _that._ Bella had never been very interested in boys her age, but Paul…. He felt… different.

"Bella! Let's go eat; I'm starving!" Charlie was yelling from the porch.

"I have to go," she whispered, still staring at him.

"I know," he whispered back.

Neither of them moved.

Bella took a deep breath and put her hand on the door latch. "I'll see you around?"

He nodded, but didn't budge an inch.

"Bye, Paul."

"Bye, Bella."

She took another deep breath. "I'll see you around, ok?" And then she turned and jumped from the cab.

As she jogged towards the house, she wondered if he was still staring at her. With her right foot on the top porch step, she turned around.

He was.

He lifted one hand, his fingers giving her a soft wave.

Bella smiled.

* * *

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	3. The Dance

_Again, you may notice chunks of original text here. And there's a lot of it this time. Originally, I hadn't meant to include so much of it, but I realized that showing more of Edward's profoundly, obscenely possessive behavior would be important to future plot lines._

_I didn't have a chance to snag a beta before this chapter - . So any mistakes you find - my apologies!_

_So again, this is aaallllll SM... I only edited it to make it worth reading :-D_

* * *

And now I'm glad I didn't know  
The way it all would end, the way it all would go  
Our lives are better left to chance  
I could have missed the pain  
But I'd of had to miss the dance

The Dance by Garth Brooks

* * *

Edward helped her into his car, being very careful of the wisps of silk and chiffon, the flowers he'd just pinned into Bella's elaborately styled curls, and her bulky walking cast. He ignored the angry set of her mouth.

"At what point exactly are you going to tell me what's going on?" she asked grumpily. Bella really hated surprises, and he knew it.

"I'm shocked that you haven't figured it out yet." He threw a mocking smile her direction, and her breath caught in her throat. It made her wonder if she would ever get used to his perfection.

Distracted, she mumbled, "I did mention that you looked very nice, didn't I?"

"Yes." He grinned again. She'd never seen him dress in black before, and, with the contrast against his pale skin, his beauty was absolutely surreal. That much she couldn't deny, even if the fact that he was wearing a tuxedo made her very nervous.

"I'm not coming over anymore if Alice is going to treat me like Guinea Pig Barbie when I do," Bella griped.

She'd spent the better part of the day in Alice's staggeringly vast bathroom, a helpless victim as she played hairdresser and cosmetician. Whenever she fidgeted or complained, Alice reminded her that she didn't have any memories of being human, and asked her not to ruin her vicarious fun. Nothing good could come of their formal attire, of that Bella was sure. Unless… but she was afraid to put her suspicions into words, even inside her own head.

She was surprised then by the sound of a phone ringing. Edward pulled his cell from a pocket inside his jacket, looking briefly at the caller ID before answering.

"Hello, Charlie," he said warily.

"Charlie?" she frowned.

Bella believed that Charlie had been… difficult since her trip to Arizona. He had compartmentalized her bad experience into two defined reactions. Toward Carlisle, he was almost worshipfully grateful. On the other hand, he was stubbornly convinced that Edward was at fault — because, if not for him, she wouldn't have left home in the first place. And Edward was far from disagreeing with him. These days she had rules that hadn't existed before: curfews… visiting hours.

Something Charlie was saying made Edward's eyes widen in disbelief, and then a grin spread across his face.

"You're kidding!" He laughed.

"What is it?" she demanded.

He ignored her. "Why don't you let me talk to him?" Edward suggested with evident pleasure. He waited for a few seconds.

"Hello, Tyler, this is Edward Cullen." His voice was very friendly on the surface, but she knew him well enough to catch the soft edge of menace.

What was Tyler doing at her house? Then awful truth began to dawn on her, and she looked down again at the inappropriate dress Alice had forced her into.

"I'm sorry if there's been some kind of miscommunication, but Bella is unavailable tonight." Edward's tone changed, and the threat in his voice was suddenly much more evident. "To be perfectly honest, she'll be unavailable every night, as far as anyone besides myself is concerned. No offense. And I'm sorry about your evening." Bella didn't think he sounded sorry at all. And then he snapped the phone shut, a huge smirk on his face.

Her face and neck flushed crimson with anger. She could feel the rage-induced tears starting to fill her eyes.

He looked at her in surprise. "Was that last part a bit too much? I didn't mean to offend you."

She ignored his apology. "You're taking me to the prom!" she yelled.

It was embarrassingly obvious now. If she'd been paying any attention at all, she was sure that she would have noticed the date on the posters that decorated the school buildings. But she'd never dreamed he had been thinking of subjecting her to this. Didn't he know her at all?

Judging by the frustration expression on his face, he hadn't been expecting her to react so badly. He pressed his lips together and his eyes narrowed. "Don't be difficult, Bella."

Her mouth fell open. _Don't be difficult?_ "Why are you doing this to me?" she demanded in horror.

He gestured to his tuxedo. "Honestly, Bella, what did you think we were doing?"

She felt mortified. First, because she'd missed the obvious. And also because the vague suspicions — expectations, really — that she'd been forming all day, as Alice tried to transform her into a beauty queen, were so far off the mark. Bella's half-fearful hopes seemed very silly now.

She fought back the angry tears that rolled down her cheeks. As she scrubbed at them with the back of her hand, she belatedly remembered the mascara that Alice had used. Looking down for any tell-tale black smudges, she was relieved to see none. Maybe Alice had known that she would need waterproof makeup.

"This is completely ridiculous. Why are you crying?" he snapped in frustration.

"Because I'm mad!"

"Bella." He turned the full force of his scorching golden eyes on her.

She sighed. He was so beautiful. "What?" she muttered, distracted. Wasn't she supposed to be angry at him?

"Humor me," he insisted.

His eyes were melting all her fury. It was impossible to fight with him when he cheated like that. She hadn't meant to forgive him so easily, but she was also sure he only wanted what was best for her. After all, he hadn't been able enjoy the same human experiences she would be able to. He loved her.

"Fine," she pouted, unable to glare as effectively as she would have liked. "I'll go quietly. But you'll see. I'm way overdue for more bad luck. I'll probably break my other leg. Look at this shoe! It's a death trap!" Bella held out her good leg as evidence.

"Hmmm." He stared at her leg longer than was necessary. It made her feel good to know he liked looking at her. "Remind me to thank Alice for that tonight."

"Alice is going to be there?" She might be able to enjoy herself if Alice was there.

"With Jasper, and Emmett… and Rosalie," he admitted.

The feeling of comfort disappeared. As much as she tried, Bella had been unable to make any progress in her relationship with Rosalie. She was beginning to think that the blonde vampire would never accept her into the family.

She suddenly remembered the phone call only moments earlier. "Is Charlie in on this?" she asked, suspicious.

"Of course." He grinned, and then chuckled. "Apparently Tyler wasn't, though."

She gritted her teeth. How Tyler could be so delusional, Bella couldn't understand. At school, where Charlie couldn't interfere, she and Edward had been inseparable — except for those rare sunny days.

They didn't speak again until they pulled into the parking lot. He must have mistaken her silence for acquiescence, because when he parked the Volvo, he got out and walked around the car to open her door. He held out his hand.

Bella sat stubbornly in her seat, arms folded, feeling a secret twinge of smugness. The lot was crowded with people in formal dress, and that meant witnesses. She knew that he couldn't remove her forcibly from the car as he might have done if they had been alone.

He sighed. "When someone wants to kill you, you're brave as a lion — and then when someone mentions dancing…" He shook his head.

Bella gulped. _Dancing._

"Bella, I won't let anything hurt you — not even yourself. I won't let go of you once, I promise."

She looked up at his sincere expression and wondered if maybe she was over reacting. Bella didn't liked school functions like prom, but it couldn't be _that_ bad, right?

"There, now," he said gently, "it won't be so bad." He leaned down and wrapped one arm around her waist. She tried to give him a smile and then took his other hand and let him lift her from the car.

In Phoenix, they held proms in hotel ballrooms. This dance was in the gym, of course. It was probably the only room in town big enough for a dance. When they got inside, Bella couldn't help but giggle. There were actual balloon arches and twisted garlands of pastel crepe paper festooning the walls.

"This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen," she snickered.

"Well," he muttered as they slowly approached the ticket table. "There are more than enough vampires present."

"Do you want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?" She whispered conspiratorially.

"And where do you fit into that scheme?" He glared.

Her smile slipped. He didn't get the joke, apparently. "Oh, I'm with the vampires, of course."

He smiled reluctantly. "Anything to get out of dancing."

"Anything."

He bought the tickets, and then turned her towards the dance floor. She cringed against his arm and dragged her feet.

"I've got all night," he warned.

Despite her continued protests, he eventually he towed her out to where his family was twirling elegantly — if in a style totally unsuitable to the present time and music. Bella watched in horror.

"Edward." She swallowed convulsively, her throat so dry she could hardly manage a whisper. "I honestly can't dance!" She could feel the panic bubbling up inside her chest.

"Don't worry, silly," he whispered back. "I can." He reached down and pulled up her arms until her hands rested on his shoulders before lifting her feet onto his.

And then they were whirling, too.

"I feel like I'm five years old," she laughed after a few minutes.

"You don't look five," he murmured, pulling her closer until her feet were briefly a foot from the ground.

She caught Alice smiling at them out of the corner of her eye. Bella managed to give her a weak one in return.

She looked back up at Edward. He was smiling at her too and he looked so hopeful. "Okay, so this isn't half bad," Bella admitted, hoping that it was the response he was looking for.

But instead, Edward was staring toward the doors, and his face was angry.

Bella was confused. "What is it?"

She followed his gaze, disoriented by the spinning, but finally she could see what was bothering him:

_Paul Lahote_.

But he wasn't in a tux. He was in a long sleeved, button down shirt and tie, his hair smoothed back into his usual ponytail, and he was crossing the floor toward them.

After the initial shock of recognition, Bella instantly felt bad for Paul. He was clearly uncomfortable — excruciatingly so. She expected him to look apologetic when she met his gaze, but his eyes were dark and unreadable.

Edward snarled very quietly.

"Behave!" she hissed.

Edward's voice was scathing. "He wants to chat with you."

Paul reached them then, and he talked to her as if Edward wasn't standing beside her.

"Hey, Bella, I was hoping you would be here." It sounded like he meant it.

And he gave her _that_ smile, and she felt her stomach quiver at the flash of bright white teeth against the flashing lights.

"Hi, Paul," she smiled back. "What's up?"

"Excuse me. May I have this dance?" His question was directed at Edward, but he was still staring at her. Looking at up him, she realized he was now staring _down_ at Edward; he must have grown half a foot since the first time she had seen him.

Edward's face was composed, his expression blank. His only answer was to set Bella carefully down on her feet, and take a step back.

"Thanks," Paul replied. His tone was amicable, but the set of his jaw clearly stated that he wasn't very happy.

Edward just nodded, looking at her intently before he turned to walk away.

Paul placed his warm hands on her waist, pulling her gently towards him. He swayed softly, so carefully she didn't even realize they were moving until they were standing in the shadows by the bleachers.

Her tongue felt thick. "Wow, Paul, how tall are you now?" Bella asked stupidly.

He was smug. "Six-two."

They were both silent for a moment. Bella spoke first.

"So….."

"What?"

Bella gave him a look. Edward apparently thought she could be fooled, but she hoped Paul didn't think the same.

"Can you believe Jake's dad paid me twenty bucks to come to your prom?" he admitted, and he had the grace to look ashamed.

"Yes, I can," she muttered, fighting back an eyeroll. Apparently Billy Black wasn't stupid either. "Well, I hope you're enjoying yourself, at least. See anything you like?" she teased, trying to distract him by nodding toward a group of girls lined up against the wall.

"Yeah," he sighed. "But she's taken." He glanced down to meet her curious gaze for just a second — then they both looked away, embarrassed. "You look… fantastic, by the way," he added, his confidence returning.

"Um, thanks. So why did Billy pay you to come here?" Bella asked quickly, even though she was fairly certain she already knew that answer.

Paul didn't seem grateful for the subject change; he looked away, uncomfortable again. "He said it was a 'safe' place to talk to you."

She blinked at him. What was that supposed to mean?

"Anyway, he said that if I told you something, he would write me a referral for that trade school in Seattle," he confessed with a sheepish grin.

"Tell me, then. You deserve to get in there. I know how much you've been looking forward to it," she grinned back. She was relieved that Paul didn't seem to be buying into the Elder's fallacies. She glanced over her friend's shoulder and caught Edward staring at them, his face expressionless.

Paul looked away again, a red flush tinting the brown of his cheeks. "Don't get mad, okay?"

"There's no way I'll be mad at you, Paul," she assured him. "I won't even be mad at Billy. Just say what you have to."

"Well — this is so stupid, I'm sorry, Bella — he wants you to break up with your boyfriend. He asked me to tell you 'please.'" He shook his head in disgust.

"He's still superstitious, eh?"

"Yeah. He was… kind of over the top when you got hurt down in Phoenix. He didn't believe…" Paul trailed off self-consciously.

My eyes narrowed. "I fell."

"I know that," Paul retorted, and his fingers tightened reflexively on her hips.

She briefly wondered if his grip should have been painful, but she was too busy thinkng about Edward. "He thinks Edward had something to do with me getting hurt." It wasn't a question, and despite her promise, she was angry. She was almost glad Paul wouldn't meet her eyes; she didn't think she could have stomached the frustration and jealousy she was sure she would find there.

By this time, they weren't moving to the music, even though his hands were still on her waist, and hers around his neck.

"Look, Paul, I know Billy probably won't believe this, but just so you know," Bella spat out, determined to make him believe her. He met her gaze this time, and she felt hopeful that he would understand. "Edward really did save my life. If it weren't for Edward and his father, I'd be dead."

"I heard what you said," he snapped back. "You're my friend, Bella. I was worried, alright?" He stepped back from her, his hands tugging exasperatedly on his pony tail.

She sighed. She knew that he hadn't come all the way to her prom to start a fight. "Hey, I'm sorry you had to come do this, Paul," she murmured softly, reaching up to lay a comforting hand on his bicep. It clenched under her hand. She tried to ignore the warmth in her stomach at the feeling of his muscle under her palm. "At any rate, you get your letter, right?"

"Yeah," he muttered. He was still looking awkward… upset.

"There's more?" she asked in disbelief.

"Forget it," he mumbled. "I'll find someone else to write the damned letter."

I glared at him until he met her gaze. "Just spit it out, Paul."

"It's so bad."

"I don't care. Tell me," she insisted.

"Okay… but, geez, this sounds bad." He shook his head. "He said to tell you - no, to warn you — and this is his plural, not mine," he reiterated firmly. "That 'we'll be watching.'" He made finger quotes in the air, watching warily for her reaction.

It sounded ridiculous to her ears and she couldn't help but laugh out loud. She couldn't be angry at him anymore, especially now when it was so obvious how little he'd had to do with planning the whole thing. Paul never would have announced such a ludicrous thing in a public place if he didn't feel like he had to. "Sorry you had to do this, Paul," she snickered.

"I don't mind that much." He grinned in relief. His eyes were appraising as they raked quickly over her dress. "So, should I tell him you said to butt the hell out?" he asked hopefully.

"No," she sighed. "Tell him I said thanks. I know he means well."

The song ended, and she let go of his bicep. He glanced down at her injured leg. "Do you want to dance again? Or can I help you get somewhere?"

Edward's voice answered from over his left shoulder. "That's all right, Paul. I'll take it from here." Paul visibly flinched, and stared wide-eyed at Edward, who took up position beside her. The act felt vaguely possessive to Bella, but she ignored it.

"Hey, I didn't see you there," he mumbled. "I guess I'll see you around, Bella." He stepped back, waving halfheartedly, all while still glaring at Edward.

She smiled. "Yeah, I'll see you later."

"Sorry," he said again before he turned for the door.

"I know you are, Paul," she called back softly, watching his wide back as it retreated into the parking lot. "I know you are."

Edward tugged on her hand, pulling her back toward the dance floor. She resisted until Paul was no longer visible. When she couldn't see the glow of his white shirt in the darkness, she allowed Edward to lead her away, but she couldn't shake the odd weight of disappointment that settled into her stomach.

She knew that tonight wouldn't just be about prom anymore.

Now, she would always remember tonight as the night that Paul Lahote had asked her to dance.

* * *

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_*smooches*_

_GG_


	4. Afraid

_Hey guys… another time jump. But I've had enough questions that I feel I must reiterate a few things:_

_Paul is in Jake's role, so we'll be following the saga time line, which means he's not a wolf yet. _

_Paul will have a **MUCH** larger role in upcoming chapters. **BE PATIENT**._

_This is a drabble style fic – Some chapters will be **short**, some will be **longer**._

_I don't like "out right" explaining my entire back story. You'll get more info as the early chapters progress. After the first…. 6 or 7, let me know if you still have questions._

_Audreyii encouraged the structure of this chapter, as far as Zombie Bella. I blame any heart!fail on her :-D_

* * *

I'd like to hold you close

Make you feel safe

Not so afraid of yourself

If we have to part so it shall be

I'd like to help you suffer less

Not be so locked up in your thoughts

Afraid of love and all under the sun

I'll hide out in your space

Emptiness on my face

I'll be keeping you safe

When you're cold and alone

Until you come out and play…

Afraid by Sarah Fimm

* * *

There was a knock on the door. Charlie jumped at the unexpected sound, and then glanced at his daughter, hoping for a similar reaction. _Any_ reaction would do, really. He would have been happy if she had even looked up from her unblinking focus on the floor.

His disappointment deepened when she remained still, stoic and unmoving. Charlie sighed and got up to answer the door.

"Paul! Good to see you!" Charlie's tone held more enthusiasm then he actually felt.

"Hey, Charlie," replied Paul softly, his gaze already focused on the catatonic girl on the sofa.

"Have a seat, kid. Want something to drink?" Charlie asked, his feet already moving in the direction of the kitchen. He didn't wait for Paul's response before reaching for a tumbler to fill.

Charlie steadied himself against the sink, watching the tap pour water down the drain. But he couldn't move himself to turn it off, because then he'd be forced to listen as Paul had a one-sided conversation with his daughter.

He hadn't realized how tightly he had been clutching the cup in his hand until he heard the crackle of breaking glass. His fingers loosened, and he watched as the small glittering fragments disappeared down the drain.

As he watched, Charlie couldn't help but compare those tiny pieces to the broken wreckage that used to be his daughter.

From the living room, Paul pretended like he couldn't hear Charlie Swan cry.

* * *

_The quickest way to an author's heart is through R&R - you're halfway there!_

_*points down*_

_See that little box? A little bit of love never hurt anyone... :-D_

_-GG-_


	5. After the Storm

_Completely sorry for the delay. Lots of RL issues. Am now back to my scheduled Monday!_

_Much much love with WolfGirl Cheri for beta'ing this at the last second._

* * *

And now I cling to what I knew  
I saw exactly what was true  
But oh no more  
That's why I hold,  
That's why I hold with all I have  
That's why I hold  
I will die alone and be left there  
Well I guess I'll just go home,  
Oh God knows where  
Because death is just so full and man so small  
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before

"After the Storm" - Mumford & Sons

* * *

"Bella, why don't you take off?" Mike suggested. His eyes were focused off to the side, like he was purposefully avoiding her gaze. It made her wonder how long that had been going on without her noticing.

It was a slow afternoon at Newton's. At the moment there were only two patrons in the store; dedicated backpackers from the sound of their conversation. Mike had spent the last hour going through the pros and cons of two brands of lightweight packs with them, while Bella had tried to look busy dusting the display tops.

Apparently it hadn't worked.

"I don't mind staying," she said, but the argument sounded weak even to her own ears.

What Bella really wanted was to be able to sink back into her protective shell of numbness, but it had become harder and harder to shut everything out. She'd been trying to tune out the laughing hikers without success.

"I'm telling you," said the thickset man. "I've seen grizzlies pretty close up in Yellowstone, but they had nothing on this brute." His hair was matted, and his clothes looked like they'd been on his back for more than a few days; fresh from the mountains.

"Not a chance. Black bears don't get that big. The grizzlies you saw were probably cubs." The second man was tall and lean, his face tanned and wind-whipped into an impressive leathery crust.

"Seriously, Bella, as soon as these two give up, I'm closing the place down," Mike interrupted. She'd been staring.

"If you want me to go…" she shrugged.

"On all fours it was taller than you." She could hear the bearded man insisting while she gathered her things together. "Big as a house and pitch-black. I'm going to report it to the ranger here. People ought to be warned—this wasn't up on the mountain, mind you—this was only a few miles from the trailhead."

Leather-face laughed and rolled his eyes. "Let me guess—you were on your way in? Hadn't eaten real food or slept off the ground in a week, right?"

"Hey, uh, Mike, right?" They both turned in the direction of the hikers.

"See you Monday," she mumbled, grateful that she wouldn't have to listen to Mike tell her to take care of herself, or something equally ridiculous.

She just wanted to be alone.

"Yes, sir," Mike replied, turning away.

"Say, have there been any warnings around here recently—about black bears?"

"No, sir. But it's always good to keep your distance and store your food correctly. Have you seen the new bear-safe canisters? They only weigh two pounds…"

The doors slid open to let her out into the rain. She hunched over inside her jacket as she dashed for her truck. The rain hammering against the hood sounded unusually loud, too, but soon the roar of the engine drowned out everything else.

* * *

The nightmares were keeping her up at night now. It was either too terrifying to fall asleep or she'd awaken screaming. She'd naively hoped that her subconscious would grow bored and move onto other dreams, but they still never failed to horrify her. Charlie no longer come in to see what was wrong, to make sure there was no intruder strangling her or something like that – she felt sick to realize he was probably used to it by now.

And yet each dream was relatively benign. Nothing jumped out and screamed, "Boo!" There were no zombies, no ghosts, no psychopaths. There was nothing, really.

Only nothing.

That was the frightening part.

They usually consisted of an endless maze of moss-covered trees, so quiet that even in her sleep the silence forced uncomfortable pressure against her eardrums. It was dark, like dusk on a cloudy day, with only enough light to see that there was nothing to see. She often hurried through the gloom without a path, always searching, searching, searching, feeing more frantic as the time stretched on, trying to move faster, though the speed making her anxious and clumsy…

Bella didn't know where she'd been driving to until she found herself parked in front of Paul's house. She hadn't planned on coming here. She didn't _want_ to be here. She moved to put her hand back down to maneuver the truck into reverse, but a flash of movement caught her attention.

His dark eyes met hers, and even through the smearing raindrops on the windshield, she could see the distress in them. He'd been to see her while she was… _distracted_. Charlie had mentioned as much.

Things had obviously changed for Paul.

He'd grown into some of his potential in the last eight months. He'd passed that point where the soft muscles of childhood hardened into the solid, lanky build of a teenager; the tendons and veins had become prominent under the red-brown skin of his arms, his hands. His face was still sweet like she'd remembered it, though it had hardened, too—the planes of his cheekbones sharper, his jaw squared off, all childish roundness gone.

Then he smiled.

And as if the gods were watching, the rain slowed and trailed off, a dim glimpse of the sun brightening the gloomy afternoon.

"Hey, Paul!" Her body leapt out of the truck before her mind could stop it. She felt an unfamiliar surge of enthusiasm at his grin, and it made her realize how just pleased she was to see him.

An unfamiliar warmth spread through her, and she smiled back as something clicked silently into place, like two corresponding puzzle pieces.

Bella had forgotten how just much she really liked Paul Lahote.


	6. The Ladder

_Thank you to Twi_Maggs for beta'ing, and to littlefurrycannibals for helping me figure out my Paul :-D_

* * *

Woe is me  
Sentimental you and faithful me  
And I will be the one to gaze on you discreetly  
Slow your speed  
Turn yourself around and follow me  
'Cause I will be the one who preys upon you sweetly

On a ladder from there to here I'll climb  
All this clatter between my ears I find  
Does it matter if I can't clear my mind?  
There's a right and a wrong time…

The Ladder by Andrew Belle

* * *

He stopped a few feet away from her, and she stared up at him in surprise. "You grew again!" Bella accused in amazement.

He laughed, his smile widening impossibly. "Six five," he announced with self-satisfaction. His voice was deeper, but it had the husky tone she remembered.

"Is it ever going to stop?" she shook her head in disbelief. "You're huge."

"Still a beanpole, though." He grimaced. "Come inside! Your feet are gonna get soaked in these puddles.."

He led the way, twisting his hair in his big hands as he walked. He pulled a rubber band from his hip pocket and wound it around the bundle.

The house was empty as he lead the way into the kitchen. He plopped down in an old wooden chair and stared at her as she leaned awkwardly in the doorway.

"So…" He drawled, his words casual and silly, but she wondered what he meant, so she just stared back at him until he rolled his eyes and stood up to prop on his hip against the counter. "What do you want, Swan?"

Bella huffed, feeling rather put off with the way he was talking to her. After all, hadn't they been friends since before they could walk? "I can leave if you want," she snapped, and turned to walk back towards the door.

One warm, large hand wrapped long fingers around her wrist. "I didn't say I wanted you to go, dammit," he whined peevishly, tugging her back until she collided with his much larger frame. He looked down at her, his expression suddenly serious. "No, really, Bella. What are you doing here?"

This time, she blushed, trying to ignore those guilty feelings again. "I've been… busy."

Paul snorted. "No, you haven't. You've been hiding in your room, ignoring your father and your friends and your school work, wasting away until you weigh less than my right foot." He raised an eye brow at her annoyed expression. "I notice you're not arguing with me about this."

"I just… needed some time," she mumbled. She didn't know how to explain it, so how could she expect Paul to understand?

Paul snorted again, but he had the decency to cover it up with a cough when she glared at him. "Sure, Bella, you can tell yourself that as long as you want to, but we both know that don't make it true."

There's more glaring again, but this time it's ignored as he pulled her across the kitchen and manhandled her into his lap. Bella wondered if she should feel uncomfortable by their close proximity, but Paul began talking before she could over think it.

"Look, babe-"

"My name isn't _babe_."

"Listen, girlie-"

"_Seriously_? Girlie!"

"Shut up, ok?" he warned, giving her the evil eye. She shot back another dirty scowl, but firmly pressed her lips together. "You shut down, Bella. _Completely_. And Charlie wasn't the only one worried for you, alright? I was _there_. I saw what… _he_ did to you. And that ain't normal…" He saw her open her mouth, but covered half her face with one big palm before she could interrupt. "You're my friend, whether you like it not, and friends don't let friends wallow in misery for months on end." Paul stuttered as his voice cracked. "I wanted to help you… and I didn't know how…"

He carefully lifted the hand that had been over her mouth. She didn't know how to answer that. Pinching her chin carefully between his thumb and forefinger, he gently turned her face towards his. "It's time for you to get better, Bella. Are you ready to do that?"

"I'm fine," she insisted lamely.

Paul rolled his eyes. "People that are 'fine' do not become shut-ins for three months at a time."

"It wasn't three months!" Bella protested. He raised a disbelieving eyebrow at her. "It wasn't!"

Another eye roll.

"I'm fine!" She said again.

"Fine, fine, fine. Sayin' it don't make it true, honey."

Bella sighed. "I'm trying, Paul."

"Sometimes that's not enough, Bella," he replied softly, and he looked away. " I don't even know why I'm bothering to say this; you won't believe me anyway. Apparently, trying to be honest with you isn't the key to helping you."

She stared at him, and a small warm curl of angry unfurled in her belly. What did _he_ know anyway? He wasn't the heartbroken one, after all. _She_ had been abandoned! _She_ had been the one that had been left so cruelly, without a second thought to how it would feel.

When had Paul become so presumptuous?

A knock on the door interrupted them. Paul groaned. "I'm guessing that's Billy."

Bella felt confused. She figured that ought to be something a friend would know, but given her behavior recently, she hadn't been a very good friend to Paul, had she?

"He comes by, checks on me every few days," Paul said, as if he'd been reading her mind. "With my dad gone, the Elders take turns looking in on me."

"Hey, Chief," he said as he opened the door. "Jake didn't make you wheel yourself over here, did he?" He poked his head out, and looked back and forth across the small porch.

"No, of course not," Billy laughed, maneuvering himself into the house. "He dropped me off on his way over to Quil's."

"That's good," Paul replied gruffly, patting the older man on the shoulder. "Just wanna make sure he's takin' care of you, is all."

Billy smiled up at him, and Bella studied as they conversed. She noticed that the reverence and respect between them, and slowly, shame had extinguished her anger. Paul had lost his mother _and_ father, hadn't he? He knew something of loss, then. How could she have forgotten that?

"Well, what do you know!" Billy cried, shocking her out of her reverie. "It's good to see you, Bella."

She smiled at him, and walked over until she could take the outstretched hand he offered. She realized that her hands seemed dwarfed by his wide grasp.

"What brings you out here? Everything okay with Charlie?"

"Yes, absolutely. I just wanted to see Paul - I haven't seen him in forever."

Bella watched as Paul's eyes brightened at her words. She felt pleased; he was smiling so big it looked like it would hurt his cheeks.

"Can you stay for dinner?" Billy looked eager.

Bella looked curiously at Paul, but he was staring at his feet. Billy was there for dinner? "No, I've got to feed Charlie, you know."

"I'll call him now," Billy suggested. "He's always invited."

She laughed to hide her discomfort; she'd never planned to come here to begin with, much less stay for dinner. Her awkward conversation with Paul had caused her enough stress for the evening. "It's not like you'll never see me again. I promise I'll be back again soon—so much you'll get sick of me."

Billy chuckled in response. "Okay, maybe next time." He turned his chair and wheeled himself away. Paul gave her a gentle push towards the living room, and Bella could hear Billy banging around in the kitchen.

"He _cooks_ for you?" She whispered in astonishment.

Paul glared at her. "He does it because it makes him feel useful. He _loved_ my dad. It makes him feel _good_ to spend time with me." He took a large step towards her, quickly closing the space between them.

She swallowed hard, and forced her feet to remain in place. He crowded her, and she could feel the heat that radiated from his skin. She looked up at him, and she could feel a crick in her neck from the angle. "I just didn't know, ok?"

He stared at her, his expression incredulous. "If you'd bothered to talk to me once in awhile, you'd know that."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Bella snapped. How dare he judge her!

His eyes grew dark, and he leaned down until his mouth was next to her ear. "You're missing out, _little girl_…."

Bella gasped and jerked away from him. He smirked, and his cockiness annoyed her.

Who _was_ this guy?

One minute he wants her to talk about her feelings and then the next he's… he's… there were no words.

She grabbed the doorknob and wrenched open the screen door.

"I'm leaving!"

"You do that, Bells… You'll be back soon enough."

She hadn't met to stop and turn around and look at him, but the arrogance of his statement blew her away. "That's what _you_ think, Paul Lahote! I don't know why I even came here to begin with!"

He laughed and she screeched indignantly. "Bye, honey!" He called after her as she stomped down the driveway. "I'm glad to see you haven't lost _all_ that fire inside you."

His words made her freeze. But this time, when she turned around, the front door was already closed.

_He'd done that on **purpose**?_

Oh, God. He'd done it on purpose. "That, that… Damn you, Paul Lahote!" she shouted at the front door, and as she threw herself into the cab of her truck and cranked the engine, she told herself she couldn't hear the roaring laughter that poured from the windows of the small cottage.

"I'll show him," she muttered darkly, ferociously stepped on the gas pedal. The engine whined and the tires spun and spit gravel, but she _swore_ as she drove away that she wasn't going to give that _jerk_ the satisfaction of showing up there again.


	7. Empty

_Sorry I missed last week. I spent the Fri-Sun before at the Twi Con in Detroit. Met Alex - and died and went to heaven. That man is AMAZING!_

_Please review. It's only polite and let's me know you enjoy. To anyone who reviewed last chapter that I haven't had a chance to reply to, THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU._

_Reminder - you'll see chunks of original canon text here. They belong to SM, not me :-)_

* * *

She lifts her skirt up to her knees

Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet laughin'

I never learned to count my blessings

I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

I walk on down the hill through grass grown tall and brown

And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain

On past the busted backs on its old and rusted

Cadillac that sink into this field collecting rain

And will I always feel this way?

So empty, so estranged…

"_Empty" by Ray Lamontagne_

* * *

Bella wasn't sure what the hell she was doing. She wondered if she was trying to push herself back into the zombie stupor. This behavior wasn't normal, right?

The thought made her frown. That's what Paul had been spouting on about. That she wasn't 'fine'. Her frown deepened. He couldn't be _right_, could he? Had she turned masochistic—developed a taste for torture? Even if she didn't _want_ to believe he was right, she really should have gone straight down to La Push. Despite his jerk-like tendencies, she felt much, much healthier around Paul; this was not a healthy thing to do.

Even still, she continued to drive slowly down the overgrown lane, twisting through the trees that arched over like a green, living tunnel. She realized her hands were shaking, so she tightened her grip on the steering wheel.

But she told herself that part of the reason she was doing this was because of nightmares. She knew now that she was really awake, but the nothingness of the dream gnawed on her nerves, a dog worrying a bone. It made her feel jumpy and anxious. Her fingernails had been nibbled down to nubs.

Bella knew there was something to search for. Unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted… but _he_ was out there, somewhere. She desperately held onto the belief that _he_ still cared. To consider otherwise would only rupture the carefully sewn sutures around her heart.

And yet there was that strange sense of repetition she'd felt at school today, the coincidence of the date; the feeling that she was starting over; perhaps it was because it was reminiscent of how her first day would have gone if she'd really been the most unusual person in the cafeteria that afternoon.

The words ran through her head, tonelessly, like she was reading them rather than hearing them spoken:

_It will be as if I'd never existed_.

She was lying to herself by splitting her reason for coming here into just two parts. She mostly just couldn't admit the strongest motivation because it was mentally unsound. Just because Paul had been a jerk didn't make him _wrong_. Knowing _he_ was gone and admitting _he_ was gone were two different things.

For that brief moment, when _his_ voice came from her unconscious memory, when _his_ voice was perfect and honey smooth rather than the pale echo her memories usually produced, Bella could think of _him_ without pain. It never lasted; the pain had caught up with her no matter how hard she fought against it. She knew this was a fool's errand. But those precious moments when she could hear _him_ again were an irresistible lure. She had hoped to find some way to repeat the experience, that déjà vu was the key. So here she was, driving to _his_ home, a place she hadn't been since that ill-fated birthday party so many months ago.

Paul's serious eyes popped into her head. She pushed them out. He had dismissed her, made fun of her, provoked her. Whether or not she deserved it – and she refused to think that she did – what right did he have to be here? This was the _Cullen's _domain; surely, if she belong _anywhere_, it was here.

The thick, almost jungle-like growth crawled slowly past the windows. The drive wound on and on. Bella pushed the gas pedal down, urging the truck to go faster, getting edgy. Bella wondered why she hadn't reached the house yet. The lane was so overgrown that it didn't look familiar and panic rose inside her chest.

What if she couldn't find it? The thought made her shiver shivered. What if there was no tangible proof at all?

She let out a gust of air when a break in the trees appeared. She relaxed, relieved to know that she hadn't just dreamed _him_ up, that _he_ really had existed outside her imagination.

The flora hadn't waited long to reclaim any land that had been left unguarded. The tall ferns had infiltrated the meadow around the house, crowding against the trunks of the cedars, even the wide porch. It was like the lawn had been flooded—waist-high—with green, feathery waves.

And the house was there, but it was not the same. Though nothing had changed on the outside, the blank windows screamed _vacancy_. It was creepy. For the first time since she'd seen the beautiful house, it looked like a fitting haunt for vampires.

Her sudden epiphany made her hit the brakes and look away. The emptiness made her afraid to go farther.

But still she waited, hoping. Nothing happened. No voice in her head.

So she left the engine running and jumped out into the fern sea. Maybe…

She cautiously approached the barren, unoccupied face slowly, her truck rumbling out a comforting roar behind her. Something told her to stop when she reached the porch stairs; there was nothing here. No lingering sense of their presence… of _his_ presence. The house was solidly here, but it meant little. Its' concrete reality could not counteract the nothingness of the nightmares.

She couldn't go any closer. She didn't want to look in the windows. If the rooms were bare, echoing empty from floor to ceiling, it would certainly hurt. Like her grandmother's funeral, when her mother had insisted that she stay outside during the viewing. Renee had said that she didn't need to see Gran that way that she should be remembered as vibrant and alive.

But wouldn't it be worse if there were no change? If the couches sat just as she'd last seen them, the paintings on the walls—worse still, the piano on its low platform? It would be second only to the house disappearing all together, to see that there was no physical possession that tied it to them in any way. That everything remained, untouched and forgotten, behind them.

Just like her.

Chest heaving with barely contained sobs, she turned her back on the gaping emptiness and hurried to her truck. She practically ran, desperate to escaping the dark stares of the blank windows. She was anxious to be gone, to get back to the human world. She felt hideously broken inside, and despite her previously injured feelings, the only person she wanted at that moment was Paul.


	8. Bluebird

How the hell does a broken heart

Get back together when it's torn apart

And teach itself to start beating again

This little bluebird

Came looking for you

I said that I hadn't seen you

In quite some time…

"Bluebird" – _Christina Perri_

* * *

Paul was on the front porch when she pulled into the driveway. He was stretching, long legs spread wide, his eyes focused on his feet when she slammed the driver's side door.

She wandered slowly up the path to the steps. Paul stood up and leaned to the side, arms over his head.

Bella watched as the thin cotton slid up to reveal a patch of tawny skin. She swallowed hard and looked away. "Hey, Paul."

He snorted. "What do you want, Bella?"

She stiffened and turned around to glare at him. "What's your problem?"

"My problem?" Paul asked, looking incredulous. "I thought you said you weren't coming back here."

Bella's face flushed scarlet. She couldn't believe she had forgotten about that already. She looked down and fidgeted, pulling at the loose threads in her shirt cuff. "I guess I did say that, didn't I?"

Paul laughed. "Yeah, Swan, you did. So back to my original question; what are you doing here?" He bent forward, his long arms grazing the tops of his shoes. He made it look so simple; she was jealous of his easy grace. She spent most of the time trying not to trip over her own feet, and here he was, practically an acrobat.

He distracted her by waving one large palm in front of her face. She blinked. "Hello? Bells? For God's sake, woman – what is wrong with you?"

Her teeth clenched together. Why _had _she come here? "I came out here to see you, but I didn't realize I would be intruding!" She snapped, turning away, furiously trying to push back the rising angry tears. "You can go jump off a cliff for all I care!"

His loud, masculine chuckle only infuriated her more. "What's so funny?" She shrieked, resisting the urge to stop her foot.

"That's actually what I was planning on doing today, Bells." His announcement stopped her cold.

"Um… I'm sorry," Bella sputtered, suddenly concerned that not only was she hearing _him_, but that she was hallucinating other things as well. "Did you just say you were going to jump off a cliff today?"

Paul laughed again and she squashed another urge, only this one made her want to slap him. "You haven't been paying much attention lately, have you?"

She rolled her eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's La Push, honey," Paul replied, his tone obviously condescending. "We jump off cliffs all the time. S'not much to do around here, ya know."

"I'm sorry… What? Are you _nuts_? That's…. that's…. _Awesome_!" Shocked didn't even begin to cover it. All this time she could have been jumping off cliffs with Paul and she'd been chasing guys on motorcycles?

Paul started shaking his head. "Oh, no. Don't even think about it. Charlie would skin me alive if I got you within 100 feet of those cliffs. Besides, I've seen you stumble over your own shadow, Bells. You're no where near ready for cliff jumping."

Her lower lip slid out before she could stop it. "I thought you were my _friend_, Paul."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Bella," he snapped, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms over his chest. "That shit isn't gonna fly with me, and you know it."

"What sh-crap?" she demanded. Her arms flew up in the arm in exasperation. "I just thought it would be… I don't know, something _fun_ we could do together. Since I've been such a bad _friend_ and all."

"You _have_ been a bad friend," he pointed out. Bella glared at him. "You _have_. And I don't buy that for a _second_. You stay holed up in your house for _months_, and then you show up here, unannounced, _more than once_, and I'm supposed to take you cliff diving 'just for fun'? Yeah, right. Just because Charlie let you behave like that doesn't mean I'm buying what you're selling."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" She shouted at him. "I'm trying to… I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I came over here because I felt lonely and scared and _just for once_, I wanted to see my best friend! I didn't know I needed an invitation or permission, you… you big jerk!" Hot tears spilled down her cheeks and she scrubbed at them furiously. "And all you did was make me feel _worse_!"

Long arms wrapped around her, and she felt Paul pull her against his chest. She resisted at first, but the strangely comforting feeling of being held got the better of her, and she relaxed into his embrace. "I didn't come here to fight with you." Her words were muffled against his shirt.

Paul sighed. "It's ok to feel scared, you know." She stiffened, but his arms tightened around her. "Don't leave, Bells. Just… don't leave again, ok?"

She didn't know what to say to _that_, so she just stood there, and let him hug her. As she listened to the gentle _thump_ of his heart inside his chest, Bella realized she felt better at that moment than she could ever remember.

It made her smile.


	9. Because Of You

_Unbeta'ed, so all mistakes are mine…_

* * *

Now that you did this, you ask for forgiveness

Doctor, could you be my priest

You say you're mistaken, but look what you've taken

You laugh as you lie through your teeth

From what you do, because of you

You know I can't be there, each time that you call

I swore not to come, but I'm here after all

I know by the look that I see in your eye

I won't stand around and I won't watch you die

From what you do

"From What You Do" – _Nickelback_

* * *

Bella nearly jumped out of her skin when the phone rang on her nightstand. She stared at it, confused. No one ever called her.

Except Renee, which she really didn't think counted.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Swan."

"Paul?"

"Yeah. Unless you think there are other tall Native dudes calling you."

"What?"

"So were you serious about this cliff diving thing?"

"Wait… what?"

He sighed. "Seriously, Bella. Catch the fuck up here."

She dropped the phone and screeched at it from its spot on the floor. "What is your problem?"

She could hear his laughter. "See you tomorrow at 9am, Swan!" And then the phone beeped, indicating the call had ended.

She stared at it, open mouthed, wondering what the hell had just happened.

* * *

As much as she hated proving Paul right, Bella couldn't help but show up at his house the next morning. She made sure to start glaring at him through the windshield when she pulled up though; didn't want the jerk getting all cocky.

He gave her big self-satisfied grin and wiggled his fingers at her.

She sighed. _Jerk_.

"Get your ass out of that truck, Bells. We've got some yoga to do!"

She gaped at him. Was he serious?

"I hope you have sweats on!" He gave her that cat-ate-the-canary smile again and she gritted her teeth. If he kept looking at her like that, she was definitely going to hit him.

It felt childish, but she couldn't stop herself from sticking her tongue out at him. He barked out a loud boisterous laugh before sprinting across the yard and yanking the driver's side door open. He tugged her into a bear hug before she could stop him, and just feeling the happiness in his touch made her smile.

When he pulled away, Bella wagged a finger at him. "Don't think because I'm here that I'm not still upset with you."

Still grinning, he shrugged. "Fine by me, Bells. You're here, right?" She nodded, slowly, still unsure. "Can't ask for more than that."

She blinked at him. "Where is Paul and what have you done with him?"

He laughed at her again, and pulled her across the lawn to the door. "If you're serious about this cliff-diving thing, then I'm not gonna fuck around with you and wind up you getting hurt. If we're gonna do this, then we're gonna do it right, and you need to be strong if you want to be doing shit like this."

"Paul! Language!" Bella admonished him, still wondering what alien had taken up residence in her best friend's body.

He stopped on the step to turn around and roll his eyes at her. "Seriously?"

"What?" She retorted, her hands on her hips. "No reason to sound like a heathen."

Paul's eyes snapped dangerously and his lip curled up into a snarl, distorting his face so drastically that Bella felt instantly terrified. "Heathen? What the _fuck_ is that supposed to mean, huh? So sorry that this sad, stupid _injun _isn't smart enough for a hoquat like you!"

Something told Bella that if she'd been smart, she would have jumped right back in her truck and driven away as fast as the old heap would let her, but she felt frozen in place. She didn't understand this Paul and his sudden mood-swings, nasty vocabulary and provocative behavior.

All she could do was stare at him, her mouth opening and closing over and over until she snapped it shut again, vaguely wondering how she much she resembled a gaping fish. "Paul… I.. what just…" she watched as his hands opened and fisted again, his jaw clenched so tightly she could hear his teeth grind. "I'm sorry!" she finally blurted out. "I just meant you… I'm really sorry!" She launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his trembling torso.

Paul stiffened, his spine rigid. She continued to murmur nonsensical words to him until she finally felt him relaxing into her embrace.

"I'm sorry, Swan," he muttered after along silence.

He pulled back, away from her arms, and she let him go. "So… what _was_ that exactly?"

Paul's shoulders slumped, and she realized that he suddenly looked exhausted. "I… I don't know. I've been so… _angry_ lately, and I can't seem to control it. Billy noticed too; he wouldn't stop staring at me the last time he was over, like he's _waiting_ for something." He shrugged and gave her a pleading look. "Please don't be mad. I shouldn't have said those things to you, even if I was mad."

Bella looked at him warily. "Well… alright, I guess. I didn't mean to make you mad, you know."

"Please don't be mad," he said again.

He looked so vulnerable that Bella couldn't do anything but nod and give a weak, "Of course, Paul."

The relief is his eyes was immediate. "Thanks, Bells." He gave her a quick awkward hug and gave a head tilt in the direction of the house. "You still up for that yoga?"

Bella laughed, but it felt forced. "I think I should forewarn you that not only am I uncoordinated and clumsy, but I'm also not the least bit flexible."

He gave her a smile so big she felt guilt for being so upset with him. "Great!" he declared enthusiastically, and before she could stop him, he was dragging her in the front door.

"We'll start with downward dog," he announced, and Bella felt sick to her stomach.

She swallowed hard and followed him into the living room. "That's a yoga thing, right?' She asked tentatively. "You're not talking about something like… uh…"

Paul laughed. "Trust me, Swan. When I'm talking about sex, you'll _know_."

Bella blushed; that's exactly what she'd been afraid of.


	10. Gravity

_AN: The next two updates should be on time as well. Yeah for Christmas Break from teaching! Thank you to exquistelyugly and sheewolf85 for being my thesaurus on Twitter when I needed one! And another thank you to malorla for making me talk about this story tonight and realize that I should stop putting it off and update!_

_And before anyone asks, these chapters are short and will always be shorter in length. There's a reason I'm doing it this way, and it's mostly to keep from burning out. Thanks._

* * *

"You loved me 'cause I'm fragile

When I thought that I was strong

But you touch me for a little while

And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall

I'm just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me…"

- _Gravity by Sara Bareilles_

* * *

Bella couldn't help but frown as she watched Paul continue to stretch on the other side of the living room. She really doubted this yoga business, and the conflicting voices in her head weren't helping. One was whispering that getting close and physical with Paul wasn't a good idea, while another part of her was shouting that, _yes_, it was a _very_ good idea.

She reminded herself that despite the arguing, neither sounded like _him_, and she was smart enough to know that was probably a good thing.

Long fingers snapped in front of her face. She blinked stupidly at them, Paul's face quickly coming into focus. "You ok, Bells?" His brows were drawn together and she was oddly comforted by the fact that his concern looked sincere.

"Uh, yeah, sorry," she breathed out, laughing to cover the awkwardness. "I was just thinking that there's no way I'm gonna be able to do that."

He smiled, and it was an easy expression. It reminded her of their younger years, when things hadn't been so complicated, when his parents were alive and hers were still married.

"It's easy, Swan. Here, I'll show you."

Before she could protest, he'd manhandled her across the living room to a mat. He lifted her arms up over her hand and pushed her palms together. She opened her mouth to snap at him about keeping his hands to himself when one large palm smoothed over her stomach at the same time the other pressed firmly into the small of her back, forcing her to square her shoulders and tilt her pelvis forward.

The sudden proximity of their bodies promptly silenced her. His torso felt warm against hers, and she was surprised at how solid he felt. It seemed like it had been only yesterday when he was a gangly teenager, and this new physique of his confused her.

"This is the mountain pose," Paul explained, seemingly oblivious to her inner turmoil. "Take a deep breathe and reach towards the sky with your fingertips." The hand on her belly slid downwards until it reached her hip; Bella bit her tongue to keep from shivering. "Keep your feet together and your weight evenly distributed." He tapped her outer thigh. "This is all about balance."

She couldn't stop the snort that escaped her. "Balance? Hi, I'm Isabella Swan. Have we met before?"

Paul laughed. "Nice going, smart ass." He gave her butt a light smack as a rebuke and it made her jump and twist away from him.

"Hey!" She yelped, shaking a finger at him. "We're not soccer players or whatever here. I thought this was yoga!"

He raised an eyebrow. "Please tell me you did not just attempt a sports reference."

She sputtered and flapped her hands. "That's not – I just – But this isn't…" He laughed and she stopped to glare at him. "Not cool, Paul."

He held up his hands in mock surrender, chuckling in defeat. "My bad, Swan. But hey – you stepped out of line; what else might you expect from a teacher to his pupil?"

Bella stomped her foot at him. "If this was all part of some plot to…" she floundered and blushed. "… seduce me…" she finally squeaked out.

Paul's head fell back in a bark of laughter. Embarrassed indignation flared up inside her. She stomped her foot again. "Damn it, Paul! I didn't come here so you could make fun of me!"

His laughter eased and he looked at her with mild amusement. "I'm sorry, Bells." He held out his arms and thrust out his lower lip. "Forgive me?"

She huffed and rolled her eyes, but walked into the offered embrace. "You can't make me feel stupid all the time and then expect that I'll want to hang out with you, especially if you're already making me look ridiculous with these yoga moves."

His chin rubbed against the top of her head as he nodded. "Sure thing, honey. I was just goofin'. Wasn't tryin' to upset you."

"You weren't?" she mumbled, her cheek against his chest.

"Of course not…. Wait a minute. Did I just hear Bella Swan say 'damn it'?"

She giggled. "Yeah, I guess you did. I think you're a bad influence." She felt his body vibrate with silent laughter, but she couldn't help but sigh again. Would he always be able to bowl her over so easily? "Just… I don't want to feel stupid anymore, ok?"

His body stiffened. "Who makes you feel stupid, honey?" His voice suddenly sounded hard and gruff.

"No one… I was just…" Bella leaned back to look at him, her eyes wide. "I just meant…"

His upper lip curled back into a snarl. "I know who you meant. That _ass_-"

She cut him off, slapping her open hand over his mouth. "Don't, ok? I don't want to…"

He glared for a moment longer before she felt his body relax against hers. She took her hand back, folding her palm carefully around the moist warmth his breath had left on her skin. "Thanks," she whispered, still staring up at him.

"No problem," he whispered back.

It seemed right to just let him continue to hold her, so she did.


	11. Make This Last Forever

_So I have a lot of excuses about why I haven't written, but I won't bore you with them, so I'll just apologize and tell you to enjoy!_

_Much thanks to littlefurrycannibals for helping me get over my little writer's block. Love you, wofey!_

* * *

_Please don't let this turn into something it's not_

_I can only give you everything I've got…_

_And I don't know where to look_

_My words just break and melt_

_Please just save me from this darkness_

"Make This Go On Forever" – Snow Patrol

* * *

Bella didn't understand the changes that occurred between her and Paul over the next several weeks.

Every few days, she'd show up at his house, he'd help her through some clumsy yoga positions, ask if she'd been drinking enough water, and then they'd start bickering over something silly until she got too flustered to shout anymore and Paul interrupted to ask if she would make him dinner.

She wasn't quite sure how they'd established that pattern. The first week, Charlie asked what they did. Bella couldn't tell him the names of any of the yoga positions and she felt too stupid to show him, so eventually he gave up and stopped asking questions. He made one unfortunate comment about them being safe, but Bella choked on a piece of chicken and that had been the end of _that_ conversation.

Paul ignored her every time she asked when they could go cliff diving. He'd often change the subject or ask her if she had been jogging like he had suggested.

She hadn't.

He would give her a mock disapproving glare and then change the subject.

She was baffled by his mood swings. One moment he was laughing and joking with her, and then the next he'd snap at her in such a way that she'd get tears in her eyes. Then there was his never-ending sexual innuendo. Paul had been a bit on the pervy side since hitting puberty, but she couldn't stop her face from flushing scarlet each time she'd felt his eyes lingering on her rear.

Warm hands on her shoulders startled her out of her thoughts. Blinking, she looked up to catch Paul staring at her. He looked at her expectantly, like he was waiting for something. His puzzled expression baffled her, and it made her wonder if other teenagers did things like this.

He tilted his head back and barked out a laugh. "Do what? Yoga? Or develop hard-on inducing sexual tension?"

Her mouth fell open. "Wha-?" She sputtered and flapped her hands at him. "I don't even-" She felt her cheeks warm and she slapped her palms over them.

Paul waggled one eyebrow at her suggestively.

Bella squeaked.

And then just as quickly as the flirting had started, it was over. "Ok then." Paul clapped his hands together, his expression suddenly serious. "We're going to move onto the warrior positions."

Her jaw dropped again, but this time, he lifted one finger and pushed gently on her chin. "You should keep that mouth closed, Bells, unless you plan on doing something with it."

This time, Bella screeched at him, balling her hands into fists. "_What_ is _wrong_ with you?" He ignored her, maneuvering legs into a spread stance, her arms over her head. She rolled her eyes. "I feel stupid. _And_ you didn't answer my question."

"You don't look stupid," he replied, his tone bland. He put his large hands around her waist. "Now turn your torso; lower your arms until they're even with your shoulders."

Reluctantly Bella follow his directions, twisting and trying to bring down her arms, only to promptly lose her balance and topple backwards into Paul's solid chest. His grip on her hips kept her in place.

Feeling wobbly, she took a deep breath and straightened her legs. "Thanks, Paul," she sighed, reaching up to pull the tangled hair away her forehead.

His hands didn't move.

"Paul?" A knot of nerves settled in her stomach when he didn't answer.

She squirmed in his grasp, craning her neck to look over her shoulder at him, only to find him staring down at her, his eyes dark.

She swallowed, _hard_. "Paul?" she said again, but this time, she could barely manage a whisper.

He leaned forward, turning into her body. His nose grazed her jaw line until her head fell back and he tucked his face into the curve behind her ear. She shivered as the soft warmth of his breath against the sensitive skin of her neck. His grasp around her waist tightened, and before she could stop herself, she pushed back against him, drawing a low moan from this throat. "Mmmm, Bells," he murmured, and she can hear his slow, deep inhale of breath. "Wild flowers…"

Bella's eyes flew open, and bile rose from her stomach.

_Oh, God._ Would she ever find peace from _him_?

"I'm sorry," she sputtered. She jerked in Paul's arms, pulling away until he leaned back to look at her face. "But wild flowers?"

"Um, yeah?" he replied. He leaned down again and sniffed, his nose angled towards her collar bone. "Like the ones outside? In the grass and meadows and shit? Wild flowers."

Bella felt her throat constrict and a cold sweat broke out over her skin. "Wild flowers?" she screeched, her hands smacking at him. "_Wild flowers_?"

"Damnit, Bells; What the fuck?" Paul shouted, trying unsuccessfully to dodge her slaps. "Chill the fuck out, damnit! What the hell is your problem?" He finally caught one wrist, and then the other, yanking her back into his body where she had less leverage to swing at him.

"You! _You're_ my problem!" she shrieked. Unable to free her hands, she kicked at him, connecting solidly with his shin.

"Fuck!" Paul snarled, releasing her. "Seriously! What the fuck is wrong with you!" He threw his arms in the air. "One second you're practically dry humping me and then next you freak the fuck out because I tell you that you _smell good_?! I don't know what the fucking you're smoking, but what the fuck?!" Unable to free her hands, she kicked at him, connecting solidly with his shin.

"I hate you!" She screamed. "You ruin _everything_!" Hot tears welled up in her eyes, and she brushed them away impatiently. "Everything!" She stomped towards the door, tripping over the end table. "Ahhh!" She cried, kicking at the offending furniture in anger and frustration.

Bella heard Paul sigh, and then his footsteps as he crossed the room towards her. She spun around, holding her hands out as a warning to stay away. "Don't!" She snapped.

Paul stopped walking.

He stared at her, his eyes displaying his confusion, concern, and… dare she say…

Disappointment?

"I have to go," she whispered, feeling suddenly drained as she stood unmoving, her gaze fastened on his.

"You don't have to," he replied softly, crossing his arms and lifting his chin defiantly.

"I have to go," she repeated.

But this time, he said nothing.

Bella watched for a moment longer - part of her hoped he would ask her to stay, but the other half was so frightened that it was a physical effort to get sick right then.

Still nothing.

A sob broke free and she turned quickly, reaching blindly for the door knob. She yanked on it desperately until it opened, and she ran. She didn't know where she was running to, but she had to go somewhere, _anywhere_.

She ran until her lungs burned, her arms scratched by the passing trees, her breathing heavy. She ran until she couldn't run anymore, and then she collapsed.

And there, sitting in the cold damp sand of First Beach, Bella Swan allowed herself to cry.


	12. Sorry

_I've been working on a fandom cause with Jacob Black N Pack called JBNP 4 Autism. Basically, authors donate O/S's that are turned into a compilation PDF, and those that donate to Autism Speaks (an international autism charity) will receive a copy of EXCLUSIVE one-shots. Please, please, check it out!__  
_

_ALSO! This story was nominated in The Non-Canon Awards for Best Pack/Bella story. AND! My banner for Jessi (Pooks79) for her story "Midnight Love Affair" was nominated in the best banner category! Voting ends soon, so please __go check it out__ and leave some love for your favorite wolf authors! Here's the link - (remove the spaces but make sure to leave the hyphen between non and canon) - www . thenon - canonawards . blogspot . com_

_Much uber love to Amy9352. Last week, she read and reviewed the first 11 chapters. I was so pleased and flattered that I promised her another chapter ASAP. The fact that she not only sought my story out after seeing it in The Non-Canon Awards nom list, but also __**reviewed every chapter **__I felt deserved a very nice reward! And of course, big giant kisses to you all too!_

* * *

If I could do this all over  
I'd want to go back, I'd want to go back  
If I could only start over  
I'd take it all back,  
I'd take it all back for you  
I'd take it all back for you…

_Sorry_ by Art of Dying

* * *

Bella stared at her phone. Such an innocent device, upon first glance. Really, what harm could come from a phone call?

She pulled a face and sighed.

_A lot_, she figured, given who she was trying to convince herself to dial.

It had been a week since the… _whatever had happened at Paul's_ had occurred. She'd spent hours trying to talk herself out of thinking about it, but the more she tried _not_ to think about it, the more she thought about it, until it became a vicious cycle of thinking of nothing but Paul.

For a _week_.

_That was_… She counted mentally. _Seven times 24… No, wait. 60 times 24… carry the… no, that's wrong. Times seven days in a week_…

She groaned and glared at the ceiling. How ever many minutes it was, she mused, it was much more than she'd ever planned on spending thinking about _Paul Lahote_.

After… well, _him_… she'd never planned on feeling anyone for anything again. How could she? _He_ had been the love of her life and certainly nothing could replace _that_.

_It's time for you to get better, Bella. Are you ready to do that?_

Paul's words echoed in her head. What had he meant by that, exactly? Ready for what?

She snorted and then blushed, thinking of what had transpired the last time she'd been with him, when he'd…

Smacking herself in the forehead, Bella hit the contacts icon on her cell's home screen and then the "call" button before she could talk herself out of it again. Besides, what was she going to do, just hide in her house forever? She'd been friends with Paul for _ages_, and she figured eventually Billy or Charlie would start asking questions, and how exactly does one explain, "_Well, so he sort of felt me up in his living room and I had a major meltdown like a crazy person after practically dry-humping him",_ anyway? Besides, did she really want to give up their friendship after-

"Hello?"

The gruff voice on the other end startled her and she dropped the phone, gaped at it from where it landed on the floor, her mouth open.

"_Hello_?!"

She dove off the bed and snatched up the cell just in time to hear him say, "For fuck's sake, Bella. I have your number saved in my contacts, so if you're really gonna do this weird ass hung up shit, then-"

"Hey, Paul," she finally choked out, and she blushed again as she heard just how croaky and lame she sounded.

There was silence on the other end, but Bella waited, hoping that he would crack first. It was stupid, she knew; especially because he'd done nothing wrong. She was broken, and they both knew it, but what was even more stupid was that she was beginning to realize that Paul was broken too.

So what did _that_ mean, anyway?

She heard him sigh through the speaker. "What do you want, Bells?"

Hearing him use his pet name for her calmed something inside her. Surely that meant he hadn't given up on her, right?

Taking a deep breath, Bella saw a chance and took it without taking time to think it through. "I'm going to a movie Friday. I've been promising my cafeteria crowd that I would go out forever." Crossing her fingers, she hoped that maybe Mike would finally leave her alone about a date if she went ahead and planned something before he could. There was more silence from Paul. "You'll come too, right?" She added quickly, hoping that the invite hadn't been too presumptuous.

She gulped. _Or was he expecting an apology?_

"Or will it be too much of a drag with a bunch of boring seniors?" His lack of response made her heart race with panic; maybe this time she'd pushed him too far. She felt the carefully sown sutures around her heart give a little, and it made her claw uselessly at her chest.

Finally, he said, "You'd like me to come, with your friends there?"

"Yes," she admitted honestly, hoping that she wasn't setting herself up for a failure of epic proportions. "I'll have a lot more fun if you're there. Bring Jared, and we'll make it a party."

She heard him chuckle quietly. "Jared's gonna freak. Senior girls." He chortled and she could practically hear him rolling his eyes.

Bella laughed too, and could feel the tension as it eased from her shoulders. ""I'll try to get him a good selection."

"'K, Bells," Paul replied as the laugher faded away. "Text me details."

"Sure," she said softly, and then heard the electronic _beep _from her phone that indicated he'd hung up. Relieved, Bella flopped back against her bed and took a deep breath.

She smiled a little to herself, pleased that the call had gone much better then she'd expected. Paul seemed to have forgiven her, or was at least willing to still talk to her. And given what had happened in his living room that day, surely a group trip to the movies couldn't possibly go any worse than their last yoga session.

_Right_?


End file.
